Have some feels.

3 min read

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sanmononoke's avatar
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I remember when I last had a crush on someone. How my hands would get clammy, how my tummy would do flips, and how heat flushed my face. But I also remember how happy I would be. Just to be around the person I was interested in. To see him smile, or hear him make a joke that hit your sense of humor so perfectly, you couldn't help but laugh too. Just being close to him made me feel giddy and happy. Sometimes, I would realize that it was ridiculous to feel that way, especially when I was rejected, and knew I had no chance. But... Everytime I heard him laugh or saw him smile, I couldn't keep myself from smiling too, even knowing that his happiness would never come from me being near him, or happy with him. And even when his laughter was directed at me, as it often was, I would think on it later and think, "I'm glad he laughed... even at my expense."
Maybe it was foolish of me to think that way or feel that way, but even after three long years, those feelings didn't leave me. Every time I looked at him, knowing that he was throwing away everything he could ever want for... his next joint, I just wished that there was some way to make him smile. Some way to make him see that there's so much more to life than the buzz from booze or drug. I knew that nothing I said or did would hold meaning, would even hold his attention. I faded from his memory, I'm sure, but he still hasn't faded from mine. It was an unhealthy obsession, and it bothers the people close to me that I pay him any mind or thought at all. But... It doesn't bother me.

Because, through the tears and the pain, I was very happy to cherish someone that way, and to continue learning from those experiences even three years later.

I was happy to love him, to wonder about him, to be sad knowing that he would never share my feelings, and to learn from the interactions we had, few and horrid as they were.

The truth is that I miss loving someone so blindly.

"Maybe I know somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face..."
© 2012 - 2024 sanmononoke
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SaratheTheif's avatar
man which guy are you talking about